books you lou

2005-03-19T20:04:00.000-05:00

In case you did not recieve the memo:

2004-10-26T17:33:00.000-04:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/booksyoulou/:
half the calories, and
just as retarded as the original

i make this look good

2004-10-01T22:15:00.000-04:00

I was going to write a post or something without using the first person and it was going to look something like:

a backpack was left open.
a test was done sufficiently well on.
a boy from India wanted directions. his parents would not let him be a doctor or a lawer so he settled for engineer.

but that's as far as it got then some other stuff happened also, so fuck that shit. ummmmm...

I read a novellet in the library today and then got like 1/2 way into a story and then came home and am like 1/2 way into another book. I think I am going to stop watching so much t.v., she says in the middle of watching Men In Black. Holla.

"...any immediate further professional use on my part of the word 'God,' except as a familiar, healthy American expletie, will be taken as the very worst kind of name-dropping and a sure sign that I'm going stright to the dogs."
-author, Franny and Zooey

My cousin was a passenger in a car accident a couple days ago but he is ok, but he broke a couple bones and has some pretty nice scars and I don't really know what to say about that except why was I not informed earlier and can I get some pictures? Honestly, you would think I went to college and I stoped existing. Ok, I need to send him a card or something.

I sent someone a card once that said sorry you were hit by a car, but I don't think he got it, like, received it.

Jay: "I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed."

"Tina Still
fucked 9
random guys.
It was hot."
-graffiti in the library cubicle

2004-09-29T17:47:00.000-04:00

not pictured here: alcohol, a party, men behaving badly, tuna fish, russian homework, the science fiction hall of fame, experimental quantum mechanics, a soul, anything that is real...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

2004-09-29T17:32:00.000-04:00

I think this prhase should only be used in an ironical tone from now on. ok, i'll start.
Tests: sufficiently failed!
MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED!

...and there was much rejoicing
(minstreals: "yeay!")

I am a big supporter of Bush's dyslexicon. Mistakes are the second best way to bring new words into a language, I am pretty sure. So really, bush is just like a modern day shakesphere only completely by accident.

"I'm not going to do Nothing anymore."
"Never again?"
"Well, not so much. They don't let you."

-House at Pooh Corner

little chocolate kisses,
big chocolate taste.

Things I will do today

2004-09-29T09:10:00.000-04:00

Things I will do today:

study for russian
study for russian
study for russian
go to work
study for russian
take russian test
go to physics
eat sushi with david
study for microbio
study for microbio
study for microbio
meet up with kristi and study for microbio
go home
take a nap
wake up for 9:00 microbio class

I am like the most exciting person EVER

2004-09-28T23:35:00.000-04:00

you're old

2004-09-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

I did a cartwheel in the library today and realizied, man, i need to stretch before i do one of those things. this is sad. i am not as flexible all over anymore. i am getting old and falling apart.

i told a girl today in my LBS class that she didn't look like she was gonna go to med school. she asked me why and i said because she looked like she got enough sleep at night. and she said yeah, she was not definitely not planning on going to med school. ten points for me.

right now i am procrastinating for my russian test tomorrow. when did that class get so hard?

"And the girl would be all like, 'i have something to tell you... i'm steril', and the guy would be all like 'dude, join the club.'" -keith making up a joke about mules.

"listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door; let's go."
-pity this busy monster, e.e.cummings

what looked like spilt milk

2004-09-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

my first conversation of the day went like this:

liz: crystal.
me: what??
liz: you're talking to yourself.
me: oh. am i?

which 1) is odd because I didn't realize it and 2) makes the first sentence of this post untrue because really my first conversation of today was between me and the microwave.

and then i didn't talk to anyone for eight hours. and then i didn't go to my russian class. and then i bombed a physics test. and then i talked to eight people at the library one of which being myself because fuck i was mad i failed that test. damn it. professors should not be allowed to give test that are harder than the homework. especially when the homework is really hard. the university should forbade it forserious.

what else? nothing. I am tired.

oh yeah one more thing. I put ice in my cereal. Liz says I am the only person on the planet that does that. I say that's rediculous, have you met everyone on the planet? but that does not convince her so I need to find someone else who does that so let me know if you know anyone. thanx.

but, i mean, really, without ice the milk gets all warm.

fuck keys

2004-09-26T23:23:00.000-04:00

[me eating a cookie nan made]
gary: how's the cookie?
me: ehhhhh.
gary: yeah. those are aweful.
me: they're a little weird.
gary: I hated them, but I ate four anyway.
me: what?!!! why??
gary: Well, I had to make SURE i hated them

ummm gary rocks my world because he helped me and tried to jimmy into my car with a coat hanger and called the cops and tow truck people when I locked myself out at the gas station today. holy crap. yeah, and my nearest set of copies is in watertucky a meer hour-plus away and the cops in lansing do not do that there where they just come and help you into your car. fuckers. but gary wandered around with me and called at towtruck for me. the whole ordeal took like two hours and $40. man. screw locks, that's what I say. but gary is awesome.

Gary to the towtruck people: "How much is it to get into a car?... uh-huh... ok well we're at the QD gas station on the corner of Jolly and Dunkle, pump 6."

2004-09-25T22:43:00.000-04:00

"I tried my best to keep my distance from your dress
but calm response overturns convictions every time."

In my thesaurus, the entries for physical pleasure is right before that for physical pain.

There is a question mark at the end of the national anthem.

this is my second favorite prop...

2004-09-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

things i am in the market for:
a new conditioner
an abusive relationship
unlimited effortless physics knowledge

I bought Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis today and am excited as shit to read it. I was reading it at the MSU library whenever i visited but then someone went and check it out. fucker. anyway. I heart used book sales. there is another one coming up. so i have that to look forward to

Also, the guy who writes the bookdock comic strip is a-fucking-dorable.

that is all

2004-09-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

My cousin mike goes to Lawrence Tech and they do not have a mascot so I don't know if it is the whole school or not but mike says they are the fighting protractors. this is my picture just for him that i might put on a shirt for him if i knew when his birthday was.

things that get stuck in trees

2004-09-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

today I:
swung on the swings at the elementary school
took pictuers of sidewalks that never end
fell madly in love with a girl picking cigarette butts up off her sidewalk on Ann Street

for some reason I feel poetic. I think it is the cold and the day-quil. I was completely awake for my physics class today which was an odd sensation.

you feed the flu and starve a peiord right? cause that is what I am doing.

I fucked up like eight times in Russian today and tried not to feel too bad about it. I'm reading Flowers for Algernon though I really don't want to. In Bull Durham the main character says: "This world was made for people who are not cursed with self-awareness."

I heart that movie alot. Hopefully I can play some tennis this weekend.

I just want it to rain right now so I can go for a walk.

overheard conversation

2004-09-24T17:32:00.000-04:00

boy1: wait - wasn't he hit by a bus freshman year, also???
boy2: yeah. man. I don't know what his problem is.

dear advertising peoples,

2004-09-23T10:26:00.000-04:00

if your greatest claims to fame are the AFLAC duck and the lady with the orgasm shampoo, I do not thin you have any right to be wirtting a book about advertising.
thank you.

also speaking of advertising there are flyers in wells hall that say:

Business Majors
of any
SEX
are welcomed to join
AXP

which is pretty good fratority advertising i think, though would probably been more appropriate if the Advertising majors came up with it.

The is a "fraternaty" (i think they are a fake fraturnity) for Engineers, Scientists and Architects and their call letters are delta delta delta i think and instead of calling themselves the deltas or something they call themselves The Triangles. How absolutely retarded is that.

real men believe in unicorns

2004-09-23T10:14:00.000-04:00

bwahahahha

2004-09-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

these frat-house looking boys were having a conversation near me the other day and i was eavesdropping and this is how the conversation went.

boy1: John's currently reassessing his sexuality.
boy2: WHAT???
boy1: he thinks he might be gay
boy2: seriously!!!???
boy1: yeah.
boy2: john, like, john michaels?
boy1: yeah, I mean, he's like 80% sure, but he says he doesn't know
boy2: that's so WEIRD.
boy1: yeah. he was saying like, all the pictures that he has are of guys, and he hangs out with guys all the time, and shit like that so he kinda started wondering...
boy2: wow.
boy1: Yeah, so he's been trying to figure it out.
boy2: that's crazy. wait - is he 80% sure he's gay or is he 80% sure he's straight???
boy1: oh. he's pretty sure he's gay.

quotes

2004-09-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

[Joan Didion, about herself]
"You are getting a woman who somewhere along the line misplaced whatever slight faith she ever had in the social contract, in the meliorative principle... I have felt myself a sleepwalker... alert only to the stuff of bad dreams, the children burning in the locked car in the supermarket parking lot... I have trouble maintaining the basic notion that keeping promises matters in a world where everything I was taught seems beside the point."

on a slightly different note:

[written in one of the MSU library cubicals]
RUSH!!!
It is a great opportunity to share brotherly love, and live in close proximity with tons of hot horney boys who would love to fulfill their ultimate sexual fantasies with their "little brother" pledges like you.

i finally found a way to find a way to finally find you

2004-09-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

Keith and I made fun of people who were sexually abused today I suppose there should be a comma before today but fuck punctuation know what i mean?

anyway but he got all weird when I showed him this drawing in a book in the library of a chick in a wheelchair who was in the MIDST of using a dildo tied to a stick because HELLo she is in a wheelchair she can not reach certain areas and keith is all like "ummmmmmm.... acutally, that makes me kind of uncomfortable." whatever keither.

I watched saved the other day and it lived up to all of its expectations. go out and see it. go out and see it now. wait - it is probably not on video yet, so maybe, i don't know, wait a couple weeks.

whatelse?

my physics professor who is like this 35 year old albanian or something came to class the other day wearing a south park t-shirt and not even a subtle southpark t-shirt, like an oldschool t-shirt with cartman bulging out of a pink tanktop with the caption BEEFCAKE. it looked like this:

Physcis is kicking my ass but when is it not? never. that is when. I get the quizes in class and connect the dots on the electrical potential plots and make cute little hearts and diamonds and totally guess on all the answers.

speaking of hearts, I think i have told eight people the stamp story but anyway I get my stamps from the desks in the resident halls and they are all cute with little pink and yellow candy hearts on them that say 'I love you', and there are adorable and also COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE for to put on the bill I am sending to the electric company and the $40 ticket I am paying. Hello East Lansing Court District, I (heart) you.

liz has this AIM thing that if you send her the phrase (pee) - in parentesis - it will cum up as the picture of a toilet.

I have been listening to Ozma today which it totally a guilty pleasure i think. they are so fucking pop and peppy and happy it is rediculous and they make me dance around the room in my pajamas and get their songs stuck in my head forever and if they did not play the tetris song and have excellent assonance and alliteration and rhymes I would probably kill them for it.

"He walked over, threading his way past the others with a dexterity that showed he could feel his feet from the inside, and did not need to watch them."
-Scanners live in vain

"He screamed. He screamed twice.
He never reached the door."
-Mars is Heaven!

yes, i'm awesome

2004-09-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

[liz, implying that the class before us was out already and therefore we were going to be late]: "Crystal! Look at all these people. Where are they coming from?!"
me: "well, liz, I think God just dropped them all off this morning. He didn't think there were enough people in Lansing yet... that there were too many unfilled parking spaces."

also also this

[brandon greets a group of girls in passing]
me: oooh. brandon's a pimp.
brandon: no, actually I'm a hall mentor.
me: semantics

see?? these are excellent examples of how fucking cool I am to talk to. word. and such.

there's always another option

2004-09-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

that is I think the new motto for the l.a. club and is always written with a pretty little picture of a noose right about it.

everyday feels like wednesday,

like the middle of something long and grueling. walking all the way there just to have to walk all the way back... uphill.. both ways... in the snow... all year round. ok i exaggerated but only a little.

something I learned today was that the very first guy to put money towards the manhattan project cut them a $4,000 check and his name was Lyman Briggs

liz's idea for a shirt for her major:

DON'T HATE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE COM. MAJORS

....

oh my lord, my tooth hurts like nothing. I am on so much advil my mother would be proud.

"one bottle of Valium. Which I've already procured from my mother. Who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way also a drug addict." -renton

dad: so are you taking some asprin for it?
me: i'm taking A LOT of asprin for it
dad: like three or four a day?
me: uhhh... sure.

ummm, here is a random picture that came up in my search for lyman briggs:

also also, can I just say that Christina ricci is fucking beautiful??

ok that is all.

2004-09-13T13:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/nematoddity/133711.html

foundmagazine-dot-com

2004-09-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

mnye nada root canal

2004-09-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

apparently I went to the art museum when it was closed and I walked in and looked around and the student employees were having a meeting and assumed I was a new employee there and were all really confused when I left.

Gretchen : My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie : Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have?
Gretchen : He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.

Ummm, I think I might have said this before:

Clanton: You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
Doc Holliday: Well, I have *two* guns, one for the each of ya.

That is from Tombstone, my dad's favorite movie. He owns two copies and sometimes watches it every single night for like a week. My mom likes to watch the weather channel like it is entertainment, which I suppose, if you fast forwarded it a bit and added a romantic interest, it would be.

"Go back to 42. I want to see what Ivan's doing."

And I wonder why I'm obsessive.

"My father loved my mother,
but he loved me more:
Incest, by Calvin Klein."

"Chase just wished me a happy 9/11" -boy at party

2004-09-10T14:25:00.000-04:00

2004-09-08T20:47:00.000-04:00

every conversation is infinitely better if you assume the person you're talking to is a compulsive liar.

I think I accidentally almost asked a boy out on a date today. But he is a freshman and I am a senior and we both have pretty much exactly the same taste in movies so it doesn't really count, and it all works out in the finish, right?

"Maria has never understood friendship, conversation, the normal amenities of social exchange. Maria has difficulties talking to people with whom she is not sleeping." -Play It As It Lays, by Joan Didion

Read Didion and you will see where Ellis and Palahniuk are coming from.

heck yeah.

A boy beefed it on his bike in front of us the other day. I give him an 8 for distance, but only a 6 for composure. Well, a 6 on a practical scale - if it was on a crystal scale he would have made 10s across the board, but that is only because he failed to cry, and in crystal world you get a ten for not crying because crying tends to be my default in awkward situations almost always, much to my chagrin.

keith: what do we have here?
me: a Crystal

"It's the return of the 'aww - wait - naww - wait -
he didn't just say what I think he did - did he?'"

computer broke

2004-09-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

watch for finger

"we live in a city of dreams
we ride on a highway of fire"

sometime I wish for a world in which computers did not exist
but then I realize that that would probably be the most retarded world ever and we would all die of boredom

I am growing my hair all long but probably only for another month or two just long enough for it to properly annoy me but not long enough for anyone to notice.

there is a new boy at the library. he has a mohawk.

i have also started parting my hair slightly to one side. it is gay.

loncapa just kicked my ass into next sunday which, coincidentally, is when the next one is due. :(

work + school = monday through friday 9-5
which is not insanely horrible

I am watching hero in brandon's room. it is excellent.

"k sozhaleniya dyen rozdeniya tolka raz v'godoo"

fuggit

2004-09-04T20:39:00.000-04:00

sometimes I just want to watch a movie that is insanely clever. I just want to watch people who talk well, talk. Just for like two hours. Fuck plot and such. ummmm. yeah. how 'bout someone get right on that? i'll time you. go.

bull durham is actually a pretty good clever-movie appatizer. like, like, a good first course, and also probably easily the best movie about baseball ever made ever.

"Ap-e-tiz-ers. They're what you eat before you eat to make you more hungry." -Cartman

Whenever anyone says "He/she/you/it fucking rocks." my immediate thought is "please, marshall, please let me suck your cock." Which is pretty much never an appropriate response. I need to stop watching MTV indefinetly.

I think in a past life Madonna was Courtney Love

"And by now the rest of the fellas get jealous
Especially when I drop the beat and do my acapellas"

I want to write everyone I know little notes that say something along the lines of:

Dear Michigan State University,

Brandon is too cool for school.
Please excuse him from classes for the rest of the week.
Thanx. XOXO.

I will pin them to people's lapels and send them off with milk money and a hair tossel.

that is all.

kisses.

I make this look messy

2004-09-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

maybe that is why people think I am a freshman.

Yesterday was a bad shoe day. I pretty much walked all around campus barefoot and carried my uncomfortable as hell sandles around with me. also then I walked the mile + home barefooted on the pavement. my feet currently hate me and are thinking of succeeding.

I learned how to make coffee yesterday. I had to call my mom though to learn how. today I experimented with frappuccinos and I have to say I make a pretty damn good one. down with starbucks power to the people.

Yesterday was a long ass day, and tiring and my feet hurt and ummm, ummm, as I got into bed I was like 'shit, I forgot to eat popcorn today' like for real because my world revolvs around food. food and the sun which is necessairy to grow the food. but don't worry I am eatting popcorn now so I am back on track.

The LBS computer lab no longer exists so don't walk all the way across campus in crappy shoes to use it. you will be disappointed.

some boy in the elevator the other day thought I was a freshman he was all like "how were your first week of classes?.... yeah?.... have any hard ones?.... yeah, I remember my first week of class....." etc.... And I am like "dude, bitches, I am a fucking senior. back off." but really I only said that in my head so he probably didn't hear it.

the end

"Cable won't grow to be 200 pounds, catch rabies and eat your neighbor's cat, and that makes cable better than puppies." -guy on commercial

the rock

2004-09-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

[about what Sigma Kappa had spray-painted on the large rock on campus]

liz: how come that says from 371 to 1985?
me: uhh, liz, that's their phone number

and such

2004-09-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

sexy bellys

... and now for something completely different

so the professor of physics for math and scientists said it was ok for me to be in his class even though I didn't take calc 2 prerequisit as long as I felt comfortable doing integrals. And I am like 'pssssssh. no problem' and he is like 'ok, go tell the people in administration that I said to give you an override' and I am like 'ok' and I go down there and talk to the lady at the desk and tell her he said it was ok to give me an override and she is like 'oh, is it because the class is full?' and I am like 'no, i didn't take a prereq.' and she is like 'the calculus?' and i am like 'yeah' and she gets all serious and condescending and is like 'you know you're gonna do bad in this class don't you??' and I was like 'uhhhhhhh' and she was like 'math is the basis of all physics' or something and I was like 'ok, thanks, miss. secretary-lady on a powertrip. have a nice day' pffffft. ok, I didn't say that and maybe she probably wasn't just a secretary but ok hello, my sister took the class and said you used absolutely nothing from calculus in it. but yeah anyway hello and welcome to the first day of physics for math and scientists!!! Yeay!!!!!

also about physics for math; there are boys. boys go to this school. holy crap. all my classes so far have been AT LEAST 65% girls. for real. it is weird.

"and who cares about my liver when it feels good" -some song by The Streets

I am taking russian but everyone I talked to in the class stopped taking it. I might drop it next semester and take a film class with brandon, how cool does that sound? I kindof want to go on the russia study abroad thing this summer though. I think it will be ok though because I think I know enough russian to get me through: "voda? nyet. vodka? da!" I have been told that is all I need. so yeah. dasvedanya, liver.

I'm really really excited about the literature class I am taking through the college of math and science. No really, I am so excited it is retarded.

"That evening I learned that they had led away three Numbers [people], although nobody speaks aloud about it, or about anything that happened. Conversations deal chiefly with the quick fall of the barometer and the forthcoming change in weather.
-We, Eugene Zamiatin

my cousin, mike, and I:

PizzaDudeHimself: want to go bowling?
moviedork1: yeah
moviedork1: right now?
PizzaDudeHimself: yes
moviedork1: we should bowl over the phone
moviedork1: kinda like people watch movies over the phone
PizzaDudeHimself: lol, my example would have been much more unappropriate
PizzaDudeHimself: and wrong, so wrong
moviedork1: hahahahahhahahahahahahhaahahaha

fortune, fantasy, and deep-rooted human flaws

2004-08-30T22:08:00.000-04:00

That is it. I am done. That is all the school I can take. My body quits forserious and my mind is thinking of joining it with a current party line that reads something like: "ehhhhhhh. ummmmmm. meeeeeehhhhhh. well.... you know....."

russian sucks my ass. i've already fogotten how to say everything it took them two college years to teach me. it is the hardest language ever.

behind me in biochem today some girl tried to start a conversation with her friends with the opening line: "So, like, my cousin died last night."

"I love you," Luis miserably wails. "I love you."
"I'm convinced, Luis," I shout at him. "You've convinced me."

insert random picture:

I spent three hours at the library today - the real on, not the fake one that I work at - and all I did was surf the internet and realized that 90% of the websites I go to are not public place appropriate. It is not that it is porn, it is just that most sites I am interested in are usually sponsered by porn and that is almost just as bad I think; it gives all the computers i touch cookies and breaks them.

(google image searches for "porn", "sex", and "chode" respectively. I heart google image search)

I read a couple interviews with Bret EAston Ellis and I am eight million times in love with him also.

I think that is all.

The conversation follows its own rolling accord. I'm haveing a sort of hard time paying attention because my automated teller has started speaking to me, sometimes actually leaving weird messages on the screen in green lettering, like "Cause a terrible Scene at Sotheby's" or "Kill the President" or "Feed Me a Stray Cat," and I was freaked out by the park bench that followed me for six blocks last Monday evening and it too spoke to me. Disintegration - I'm taking it in stride. The only question I can muster up at first and add to the conversation is a worried "I'm not going anywhere if we don't have a reservation someplace, so do we have a reservation or not?" I notice that we're all drinking dry beers. Am I the only one who notices this? I'm also wearing mock tortoiseshell glasses that are nonprescription.
-Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

2004-08-29T19:47:00.000-04:00

ummmm, what follows is a couple pictures I took over the last month that I thought warrented to be seen. kicking off the excitingness we have natalie's soap dish

2004-08-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

this is where liz and i slept for just over two weeks

the lepardy pattern going off to the left was liz's bed. the flower pattern going to the right was mine. the green bed in the middle was katie's who didn't live there while we were there thank god but that bed came in a box along with a dresser both of which liz and I assembled for her.

2004-08-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

I think my brother tried to tell me the reason my parents had four t.v.s in the same room but I forget what it was

2004-08-29T19:39:00.000-04:00

this is my demonstration of the cereal box spiderman laser pointer that projects a spiderweb image and that is the most awesome cereal box toy ever. (also this is what the living room looks like in my house in waterford in case you were wondering why I am such a messy person; I blame it entirely on my parents)

2004-08-29T19:36:00.000-04:00

the best sunset ever

2004-08-29T19:34:00.000-04:00

liz and I tryting to keep the carb industry alive in this new, post-atkins age

2004-08-29T19:33:00.000-04:00

me molesting kermet

2004-08-29T19:32:00.001-04:00

gary molesting kermet

2004-08-29T19:32:00.000-04:00

kermet getting drunk and watching freaks and geeks

2004-08-29T19:31:00.000-04:00

natalie's sex box

2004-08-29T19:30:00.000-04:00

what happens when you leave your map of the world in your little brother's bedroom: an upsidedown jesus in the north atlatic ocean, a gay cowboy hanging out with santa at the south pole, a chihuahua in Australia and a stick figrue sporting a "third leg" chillin in Ethiopia

dead blog walking

2004-08-29T18:31:00.000-04:00

and such

also, holy crap school is starting tomorrow.

also also the pasta I am eatting right now was not cooked all the way so if i am in a crabby mood it is because of that and also because i have done nothing but pack and move and clean and organize and lift shit and move boxes and paint stuff for the last two weeks of my life - and I mean 'shit' metaphorically as in all the crap (also metaphorical) that I own and no longer want to own but can't part with.

"buying thigns is not a substitute for being creative."

the first couple days in our new apartment all liz and I had to eat was cookiedough icecream and had a limited variet of silverwear and dishes so we had to get it out of the box with a laddel then we ate it with plastic forks out of margarita glasses. it was very classy i recommend it.

the parmesan cheese in my pasta sucks ass. it is all crystalizing. i don't think that's a good sign.

i think my computer has aids. I am going to shoot it and then get a new one.

We had a party the other night and it was kind of the opposite of a ragging success, and liz had a nervous breakdown but two boys almost made out so I think it was the best party I have ever been to. and we met our neighbors. but our beer was flat and was nothing but foam for eight hours straight literally, no really, literally.

"He's soooo pale now and his hair is soooo red... No, really, it's almost to the point that he looks like - like and albino... on fire." -liz about a boy she used to know

but anyway my room looks pretty and gary said it looks "um.... girly" and this boy justin said it looks "sexy... but like intelectually sexy" but he was half past drunk and had done some coke also.

also I forgot to mention that around the time I was moving into my sister's apartment, my microbiology class was ending and so I wasn't going to be able to study for the Friday final until thursday afternoon, anywho I went to get the lecture notes on thrusday and the page said it was closed and no longer accessable and then I went to my MSU info and it turned out I already had a grade in the class because the test had been on wednesday not friday like it should have been. I COMPLETELY MISSED A TEST!!!! WTF!??! That is aweful and pretty much the worst thing ever I think and a good example of how retarded I was over the summer. I got a 3.0 in the class though because they dropped your worst test thank the lord.

"Amphetamines are the most American drug. You get so much done. You look terrific, and your middle name is Accomplishment." -Survivor, Chuck P.

what else?

We have HBO now and I am addicted. I watched The Might Ducks movies yesterday but only I and III because those are apparently the ones worth showing.

I figured out the song that I was in love with but couldn't find is by The Paper Chase and is called something like He Went Out One Day For Something And Didn't Return or somesuch. And I think it is awesome but they do not even have the lyrics online let alone the song on Kazaa or Emule or somewhere where I can steal it. If you find it tell me I will love you forever.

If anyone still reads this page you are invited over to my apartment any day and we will talk and eat carmels.

"I figured I'd spend my first thousand years of Hell in some entry-level position, but after that I wanted to move into management. Be a real team player. Hell is going to see enormous growth in market share over the next millennium. I wanted to ride the crest." -Survivor, Chuck P.

Oh yeah, Chuck Palahniuk is gay if anyone missed that memo. Like "gay" literally for real.

"I hate the fact that message and message are spelled the same."

Ritalin man

2004-08-18T23:38:00.000-04:00

from here

2004-08-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

jenny's profile: "Physics is to mathematics, what sex is to masturbation."

someone not on her buddy list responded with:

V10silvio22 (11:28:37 AM): Analyzing your little quote.. The only thing I can deduce from this 'clever' little phrase is that physics is supposedly better than mathematics (is that the analogy? Sex is better than masturbation, which is like physics and math?), and I ask you: If physics is a form of mathematics, how can it be better than the general group of formulas and functions and everything that is math that governs it? The only conclusion I can come to is that it's just another idiotic statement that is, on the surface, a cute little thing to say to let people know that you really enjoy sex and hint that you engage in it often, yet below that gilded surface is the truth: you are a retarded virgin with braided ass pubes that is horribly abusing her right to free speech. If you can't convey intelligence, please cease to convey at all. Thanks!

jesus is just alright with me

2004-08-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

I have lifted more boxes in the last week or so than I have ever lifted in my life. I'm sure there is a dirty joke there if properly worded but whatever i am over it.

what else...?

Watched the entire series [season] of Freaks and Geeks over last weekend. That was all I did the entire weekend - but it was me and EVERYONE I live with - which is like six people. It was awesome.

Liz hit a uhhh ummm raccoon on our way to a party. She hit it with her manly truck going fourty so it kind of had no chance. Yeah it totally had AIDS probably. We didn't stop. Probably had rabies also. It looked like this kinda:

yeah. we told her it was probably a squirrel... with aids and rabies... and cistic fibrosis and syphilis and aids..... sorry. yeah she was approriately freaked out and sorry about it.

what else?? I did the movie chat over the weekend and it was on the real radio and there were four other boys who do it every week and they were totally imdb in their heads like whoah uber smart. and the theme was sci fi movies and I had not seen most of them and said eight retarded things and maybe one good thing so that means I lose pretty badly and have been freaking out about it for the last while like i am prone to do and such. booo.

reese witherspoon is taking a shower on tv right now. I am completely distracted.

my parents decided to go to south carolina for their vacation this weekend. the only reason this is noteworthy is because there are major hurricane warnings this week like crazy there. they are evacuating people. yeah their flight was canceled and they couldn't book another one so they decided to rent a car and drive. they get the uber genius prize of the week.

that geico commercial ruined "kung fu fighting" for me. liz thought the phrase "rock the casbah" was something I made up. omg we are listeinging to uptown girl right now on full blast. It is insanely awesome. I want to be an uptown girl just so I could go slumming a bit and brag about it on my yatch. my cousin is drawing a picture of a penis on my map of the world; this is not some crazy metaphor. gary calls me "broham" sometimes he says it means something along the lines of "dude." is there anyone out there who can confirm or deny this?? I pretended to forget liz's last name a couple days ago. She was so mad. I laughed and laughed and laughed but that is the kind of joke that is only funny to the person telling it.

We are listening to Bo Jangles now it is not as cool as uptown girl. I bought a Saint-Saëns record from the library and am still insanely excited about that even though I have no practical way of playing it. Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhall broke up. I can’t find the song with the lyrics “good daddies won’t let you die” though I totally know it exists and the rest of the lycirs are just as fucking awesome but google is not telling me who sung it or what it is called. Oh god marky mark is the love interest in this movie I am watching. It just gets better and better. I watched How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days but only because one of liz’s friends (who is a guy btw) said it was actually funny. Don’t worry. It is not. Not any more than any other romantic comedy ever. don't waste two hours of your life. you can not get them back.

Ok. this post has totally degraded to something around the level of horse crapola on a scale of cataclismically aweful to insanely awesome. So I am out.

[about circumcision]
"Jewish religious rules are strict (and a close reading hints that even guests should be circumcised). Once the surgery was done with the sharpened fingernail of an expert, the mohel, but now a special instrument such as a heated wire is used. Ritual sucking of the blood by the mohel has been abandoned...
In the ninteenth century several epidemics of syphilis and tuberculosis were traced to infected mohels who sucked blood from the wound..."
-Y, the Descent of Men by Steve Jones

"You're gonna need to hide Harry Potter if maintenance comes by. You know he's not exactly 'street legal'" Jenny about her pet hampster.

2004-08-02T11:40:00.000-04:00

I am currently computerless. Practically homeless. I am chillin with my sister and nan, sharing katie's room with liz and such. It's gonna be fun but um yeah computerless. jenny had a birthday. it was awesome. she is cool she rocks my world. um, i don't know how else to say it but megan beadle died of mono complications. i am going to her funeral today. they are burring her tomorrow. she was probably my favorite person that I never hung out with outside of school. that is all.

2004-07-29T00:09:00.000-04:00

brown v. board in the hizzz-ouse!

2004-07-28T23:54:00.000-04:00

three things:

There is nothing a large group of democrates likes better than a good pun.

You are a slave to your body and sometimes your body is a retard.

Lie to your children. Tell them there is a Santa Claus and an Easter Bunny and a Tooth fairy. That there is one true God. That evolution is a crock. That Columbus was a really swell guy who befriended the Indians and helped them to live better lives. I don't know, pick a lie and stick with it for a while. They will believe you. Don't lie all the time or anything. Just occassionally. It keeps them on their toes. Builds character.

I know you're the one

2004-07-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

I am so disillusioned right now. Apparently Blister in the Sun isn't about masturbation.

Speaking of... here is a lovely fact well stated...

Dr. Kellog introduced corn flakes with the hopes that it would reduce masturbation.

So wrap that around your brain next time you're rolling around naked in cornflakes jacking off thinking "this is in no way ironic."

blockquote shoplifted from this lovely site where *this*

lovely lady dries her nails and waxes poetically.

Anyway, I think I was gonna come here and ramble about how I always feel on the brink of either a social breakthrough or a complete social breakdown. The four stages of VanGogh would have been included along with some awesome Thom Jones quote from Pugilist at Rest that could kick you ass ten ways to sunday. sweet. Ok, so how about, let's just pretend I did that already and move along.

Ok. Ummmm. Here is a picture of Stephanie from full house

Oh yeah, I did sit or spin on sunday and rocked kinda. Yeah. Well, actually, really, I didn't totally suck and that is all I ever really wanted. Not to suck aysss is pretty much my goal in life right now in pretty much everything I do. Yeah, I know, I like to aim high, folks. Anyway, about that, ummm, my heart was attacking and my stomach was eating itself for dinner but I faked an opinion on pretty much everything and knew that megadeath was a unit of measurement. So it all came up aces in the end.

boy: So what's your big goal in life? what's your life's ambition?
me: Ummm. Not to die.
boy: haha. whatever.
me: No. Really. That is pretty much it.

also, the best away message ever right now:

"GLEN! GLEN GLEN GLEN! GLEN GLEN GLEENNNN! Glen's the man - going to work. Got his tie, got ambition....."

the elles

2004-07-26T01:25:00.000-04:00

It struck me tonight that the would 'profound' came from the roots pro which means before and fundus which means bottom. So litterally before the bottom.

Phrases like rock bottom and bottom of the barrel come to mind.

profound (archaically) used to mean deep literally (like the deep sea).

Now it means deep metaphorically, abstractly, in reference to intelligence and feelings.

I think it should be used as an insult. "You are not rock bottom, you are just profound."

Ok - yeah, this post seems a little random even to me. But you should never misunderestimate my attraction to words. I love language it is just that I am bad at it.

Especially spelling.

Fuck spelling.

Fuck spelling right between the 'L's, which would be the most appropriate place I think.

"she wants me to fuck her deep so bad"

lackadasicle

2004-07-25T23:31:00.000-04:00

A kid liz knows used that words and had I been there I would have given him five points and a hug. holy crap. especially since he can also bench press hiw own weight, grew up in detriot and doesn't like body hair. Also I saw him headbang a beer and cut his nose up pretty bad it was beautiful.

Anyway...

"This drawing is schemat- schemata- it's schematasized - it's really cool, but it's not to scale." -physiology prof.

Keith properly used "whom" and I could not get over it. I gave him eighteen and a half points for that, then remembered he was an English major so I took a couple back.

Speaking of english, my computer is being choderific. that is not a word but I am totally going to add it to urbandictionary when I get the time and some kind of amazingly awesome and clever definition going for it so then it will totally count times ten to the max (note: I think "to the max" is a zenon-ism for some reason. Disney channel refrence like nothing)

Zedis Lapedis, and such

"I think the kids like it when I get down verbally." -old guy, real genius

misunderestimate

2004-07-24T13:00:00.000-04:00

cute. but not $110 cute. wtf.

now these I could go for. hello robot boy all hangin out being all shy in the background.

Interview with a vampire is playing in the frontroom right now and I am totally spouting off every other line insync. "You lack the courage of your conviction, sir! Do it!" "Rats, Lewis???" I think on the commercial billy crystal just said "Sorry,I feel in love with another guy." But I could be wrong. I am eating frosted flakes from the box right now and this is my lunch and tony is totally right they are great.

fokin' 'ate pikies

2004-07-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

Some drunk people knocked on my door tonight. And then tried to fuckin open it. Hello, you do not live here, and if you do not live here you are not allowed to open the door.

I very much enjoy the adult ADD commercial. That director should make a movie. I would watch it and it would be awesome.

I didn't realize there was a british version of What Not To Wear.

Brandon says we will get drunk and he will tell me his secrects. This is the best thing ever. I love secrets. Though he is insisting that one of them is not that he has slept with a boy. He was sober when he said that though so I am holding out that it is a lie.

I break shit. I broke the microphone at the fix. Actually it broke itself but I helped it a bit. Then I ran around a lot in a panic and tried to figure out who was in charge in a group of ten college students. pffft. also, compare the following explanations of the problem:
"one of the nails is totally raped." vs.
"one of the screws is stripped."

When I get angry like I hate myself I will push buttons a lot and violently. That is how I broke the scroller thing on the mouse at home - sorry mark, and also almost broke the dials in my car. This is why I think I should work at your button factory. Also I have a wife and three kids. Also I am not that busy. -Sincerly, Joe

[about one of my cousins]
my mom: You know why he doesn't have a girlfriend don't you?
me: uhh... ummmm....
my mom: he has bad breath and a weight problem

love-40

2004-07-21T23:24:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say that I love love love Sarah Jessica Parker because she is not pretty at all in the least but she pulls that shit off well. also. she has adorable accessories.

liz: crystal, what are the klenex doing in the bathroom??? [kicks them out]
me: the penis?? what??
liz: No, the klenex, looks like we know where your mind was...
me: oh, well we're out of toilet paper.
liz: ....
me: want them back???
liz: yes...

There was something else... Oh yeah, I forgot to go to work on Saturday. I am winning.

"If I build it, she will come"

2004-07-20T23:40:00.000-04:00

"Buy a yacht with a flag sayin chillin the most
Then rock that bitch up and down the coast"

It was definitely a fat week. And next up is a stress mess and I find myself wanting microwave popcorn. Hello low calorie comfort food.

because keith flaked out and wouldn't go to the porn shop with me I had to buy andrea's present at the curious book shop which is cool except I ran around a lot looking for something equally as appropriate. I ended up in the SEX section which is *just barely* in full view of the front counter and up on the top shelf so the guy working there could watch me thumb through the kama sutra to see if it had pictures. Hello me being ok with this. I still wish I had an excuse to buy the layout of playboy playmate of July '83.

How weird is it that that image is from a web site called lansingsucks.com?? Ok, maybe that is weird just to me [google search = "playboy 1983", fyi]

My microbiology class is so poorly structured it makes me want to hurt someone.

I had a dream that my hair was all long in the back and aweful looking but no one would tell me. I also had a dream that I couldn't form a coherent arguemnt to save my life - actually that one was more like a nightmare. Also also, I had a dream that these boys were discussing raping some retarded girl, and each story they told got a little worse - rape, gang bang, incestual gang bang - but then I woke up and I was sad.

Brandon (number two I think) and I have decided to bring back "snap" into our everyday lexicon. He was so impressed with my use of the formality "bitches" when talking to one person that he felt like he needed some catch phrase of his own (authors note: bitches is totally my brother's thing. he totally own that shit) anyway, I want to start calling people Holmes also Geeves but that I have no idea where that is from. Also, I need to start doing the crystal's-mom-alzheimers thing of addressing everyone as "girl" or "guy" because I can't remember anyone's name ever.

I totally got someone to check out a book about Philo Farnsworth, inventor of the televsion; it was awesome.

Nip/tuck is the prettiest show ever.

"Tell me what you don't like about yourself."

Ok, I need to shower then sleep then do eight hundred thousand million things. Night.

"and that was the end [boom, boom] of the vegetable love song."
-vegetable love song, jewel akins

2004-07-20T00:10:00.001-04:00

yeay for birthday girl clevage. this was a complete accident but also probably the best picture i took in ohio

2004-07-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

the only compeditors were this one

2004-07-20T00:09:00.000-04:00

or this one

2004-07-18T02:59:00.000-04:00

drawing for a physics problem

2004-07-18T02:56:00.000-04:00

Ok three o'clockmovie reviews. Spiderman II: not good. Meh. I could have used a lot less toby mcguire and a lot more everyone else in that movie minus the dr. octopus guy and also minus the bad acting especially in the first act it was offul. Plus, thinking about it realy hard, there were no good fight scenes - I suppose I should quantify that, what I like in a fight scene is mostly the afterbirth, the part where the people walk away bloody and battered and broken, yeah not a lot of that. not enough. also, I don't remember how it opened, I just remember that it was dumb. Toby mcguire = not sexy. Kristen Dunst = hot Interview with a vampire babe, but an aweful actress. Do not give her any part more serious than a cold to work with because it is like watching train wreckage... censored on t.v. Also there is a girl in it who is a fuckin' walkin' anorexic club in and of herself. She is not even pretty. But she is heroin chic and fabulous with rings under her eyes and pants that are like "look at my ten inch waist in every scene it is the star." And she has no real, excusable reason to be in this movie at all, so therefore she gets an A+ for effort, just for looking that fucking out of place the whole time. Overall this movie is less than mediocre with pretty effects. Ok I am out. Night, ladies.

the No, Really, I Like Boys Apparently issue

2004-07-16T18:56:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I eat a lot of food and then drink a lot of pop and then let my bladder and my stomach fight it out for room in my abdomen. It is awesome. Though it usually just ends in a tie and the loser is my jeans and our supply of toilet paper.

"Cockrings. Cockrings. Cockrings." -Mr.Show

Icecream and oreos for lunch yesterday. Thank you library ladies for helping me maintain a well balanced diet.

I am so secret bulemic it's not even funny.

I love the fact that keith doesn't drink alcohol ever. That is awesome. He is a keeper. Actually, goth bulemia boy kind of looks like him. Yum.

"You're knives are sharp
when you put them in my heart,
though the truth, you'd say
is I like them there that way."

I like brandon number one's eyes. They are so extra pretty. If I could justify making an entire post - nay, an entire blog about them, I would do it. For real.

"I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten million stars how not to dance." -e.e. cummings

awww bulemic rock boy. i love you.

mark: Crystal.
me: what?
mark: you just ran into that wall
me: I know. But I'm cool with that. I pull that shit off.

Oh. Yeah. Speaking of being Angelina Jolie I saw the boy last night who does the real d.j. thing when I do the fake one and I almost really ran into a wall - ok it was a door but really. Holy cuteness. Very extremely Travis Morrison from the D. Plan on one of his uber cute days.

unfortunately this boy is the dj for the Hours of Power [the number one radio program in Jackson State Penetentiary, fyi] and I HATE the Hours of Power, HATE it.

ok that is it. later holmes

I'll be waving my hand
watching you drown
watching you scream
no one's around.

2004-07-16T11:54:00.000-04:00

definitely, definitely abducted the other day by two very strong and rugged boys who work manual (labor), shouted witty quips at liz's softball game and went through cases of beer like what. One of which was 25 and shaved his head bald,the other of which was 21 and was shaved other places apparently. The honesty of alcohol is not to be missed. Every now and then I hit that very High Fidelity time when it's like these are not really my kind of people, but they are infinite awesomeness anyway so fuck kinds.

[about their teacher/boss]
boy: Damn, that man needs to get laid.
liz: I know! But he's never home at night!

Anyway it ended with a rape talk and the climax was definitely 'no means harder' and I laughed and laughed and laughed and almost peed myself then I almost fell off the porch and stepped in a puddle. I am awesome.

Hung out with Keith from the library who is also awesomeness in a nice, pretty package. We share the same story. We're on the same chapter. I need to take pictures more. Played tennis with brandon, blahblahblah, had my ass handed to me. Couldn't tell the difference between a high schooler and a middle schooler. I found out my 3rd cousin Keith just graduated highschool. This becomes relevant later.

My brother and my sister and her boyfriend came up to state to hang out. Also liz and one of her friends from home that i've never met were here. This might have been the most awkward party ever because we stayed in and drank and when I drink I like to have someone I want to make out with but that was not happening. But it wasn't awkward because gary has the excellent ability to say lots of stupid shit and not care that everyone laughs at him or disagrees. He does not shut up, he keeps talking. For that, he is stellar and totally gets a star.

gary: This is a weird version of Harry Potter
liz: Yeah. It's the British version
gary: oh. Does that mean it's in a different language?

little brother mark
"...Remember we watched the South Park movie and you guys wouldn't tell me what the clitoris was?"
"Uh... Yeah?"
"... and I had to go ask mom."

gary to his 12-year-old step brother:
"And I was like 'Ok, Jeremy, I need you to put this sunlotion on my back in a non-homosexual way.'"

also, my sister is also in love with Sexual Sensitivity of the American Male. I am glaad I am not the only one.

[google search for anal beads]

me: I had a dream that Keith broke up with his girlfriend and we were dating.
jenny: Ehh. That's ok. I mean, it's not illegal.
me: what??

2004-07-15T18:24:00.000-04:00

This is what I was going to say:

Today was excellent.

...

[insert writers block here via Throw Mama from a Train]

I am watching VH1s "I love the 90s" like every other self-respecting college student I know. That was probably the hightlight of my day.That and Jon Stewart but he's pretty much a givein.

"We are going to the moon.
That is not very far.
Man has so much farther to go within himself."
-Anais Nin

I wish Rich Girls was still in existance. I think I am the only one. I love watching other people try to function.

That Ashlee show is also an amazing show. She is so highschool and poser punk rock and whiney. It is so so excellent.

God is in the t.v.

My computer is being a chode right now.

I think the girl on the MSN dig-a-hold-to-china it's-better-with-the-butterfly commericial is the elementary school version of Ellen Feiss. She just has that look.

Also I hate Michael Bolton. Or at least just his music. There are few things I hate so much.

"It's like shouting 'people' in a crouded fire." -some reporter chick on t.v.

Anyway, that was the post that I had written out long hand old school style and was awful and I was gonna post it but then I got abducted by two boys and liz.

I will write more when my computer fails to be a septal defect.

2004-07-13T21:35:00.000-04:00

The way you lose yourself at red lights with hot girls crossing in front of you. The way you can’t find yourself again until your home or you’ve hit someone or you’ve almost hit someone with a horse. The way repetition seems to work for some people because once just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.

The reason I could never be an author is I write what I read. “I could never be a mime because I’d always start and be like: ‘I’m a mine!’” I’m excellent at that. I excel in the retelling of a story. “He told me I need to rewrite it. I said, screw that, I’ll just make a copy.”

Today I ate some raw fish and twelve ounces of soy sauce, and half a block of fudge. But slowly. In little increments. Oh yes also broccoli, and gram crackers which are going soft in this humidity which is excellent. I’m glad the heat has a function. And then dinner was You Won't Be Single for Long Pasta which turned out badly.

Read about practicality today. About form v. function. Automatic association. Blue written in green. How to operate a door and how this can be confusing. About how clocks are always set to 10:09

The way old conversation works its way into new. How you can tell the same story eighty times as long as it’s to a different person, and how then it is never the same story. How you don’t know if something is pop culture or just something that meant something to your group of friends. “You’re old.” Sociocentric clichés. Do we know what I’m talking about? I’ll elaborate: hectoplamatic.

Me: Your door is ajar.
Andrea: Negative. My door is a door.

I don’t know if she said negative but in my head that’s how it’s functioning. Also, the genesis and evolution of slang. How we call it being fired, or a foot, or rule of thumb.

“Can’t do much damage with that then can ya?”

Anyway, I'm retarded. Je suis en retard.

ed note: I am still single. The pasta lied. Go figure.

I heart toxic waste

2004-07-13T00:15:00.000-04:00

computer I will fucking kill you. I will gut you like a fish.

My computer no longer recognizes Save as Draft as a proper command. Which is sad because it has a button that says just that. Apparently that button should say: “Oh no really, I didn’t want it anymore. How bout you delete it so I never see it again? Cause that would be great. Thanx.”

rarrr! I mean.... Grrrrr.

[nope]

I really thought it was summer for the past two months because no school = summer unless it is just no school for three weeks and then that = winter. The difference is very subtle.

Brandon and I were going to have a South Park marathon (with a little family guy thrown in for a kick) and we were gonna do it thursday but then had to reschedule for friday and then low and behold comdey central is having and *actual* south park marathon the entire weekend. holy crap comedy central you read my mind, we were made for each other, let elope for serious.

[nuh-uh]

"You're a jepordy to society!"
"Well, you're a Wheel of Fortune to society!"

Hopscotch is not that fun. At least not sober. But there is something uber cool about hopscotch in the hallway. It is my theory that Naomi Campbell is a she-man. That weird chromosome related kind. Awwww, flying toaster background. I love you. Is that still a screen saver?? I want it.

"Woman loved him. Guys wanted to sleep with him." -about Garth Brooks

[ooh. shiney and motionfull]

I hate my hair. We are in a fight. I expect all of our friends to start choosing sides.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"But your friends are my friends. My friends are your friends. I don't think it would work," she says.
"Listen, I've thought about that. You can have them."

[dude?]

I am totally going to read American Psycho again and I will come here and rant in long one sentence paragraphs and have entire posts deicated to my speaker system, or my '94 Buick, or what kind of lip balm I wear and why. It will...be awesome.

[Glamorama, Bret Easton Ellis]
MTV: “But what do you picture when you envision your generation?”
ME: “At its worst? Two hundred dead-ass kids dressed like extras from The Crow dancing to C + C Music Factory.”

Also, my sister is infinitely awesome.

yeah. rock on flying toaster. I love how you could change the speed and the burntedness of the toast.

[um this conversation starts as me pretending to be a pissed off customer at my sister's work just to make her feel loved, and then goes pretty much nowhere. it did not edit well, and is just here because i get a kick out of it]

moviedork1: >:o
moviedork1: hows that for a face
moviedork1: that is my bitchy customer face
Schneppaho0915: its pretty pissed
moviedork1: "give me your manager, beeotch"
moviedork1: rarrr
Schneppaho0915: lol
Schneppaho0915: im almost intimidated
moviedork1: hmmm i will have to work on that then
moviedork1: grrrrr
Schneppaho0915: that is a better sound effect
moviedork1: yeah?
moviedork1: like the grizzly
Schneppaho0915: make a dog growling noise
moviedork1: rarf!
Schneppaho0915: growling!!
moviedork1: oh growling
Schneppaho0915: not barking
moviedork1: hahaha oops that would probably confuse them though
moviedork1: "dude, why is she barking at us?"
moviedork1: "I don't know, but i am intinidated"
Schneppaho0915: lol
Schneppaho0915: no barking is not intimidating its just annoying
moviedork1: how do you know?
moviedork1: how many people have actually barked at you?
moviedork1: like three?
moviedork1: at the most
Schneppaho0915: many
Schneppaho0915: trust me
Schneppaho0915: like 3 every day

dude, the toasters were an after thought because i didn't have any appropriate pictures, and turns out they kindof are a total distraction, so if there are eight million spelling errors I blame it on the toaster.

tom green, mothafucka

2004-07-11T23:00:00.000-04:00

holy fuck blogger, loosing my entire post, that is it, you are officially not my favorite person in the world!

anyway.

I just wanted to take a walk in the rain. I wore the wrong shoes. I was having issues at home. I just took a shower. I just wanted to see the express way. I didn't know they barracaded it with weeds and non-friendly plants. Insert internal ramblings here. Insert wanderlust. Insert wanting to own a house and a lawn and infinite privacy forever. If I made a movie the sex scene would take place in the grass when it's pouring out. One of those scenes that would be infinitely less nice in real life. Sex on the beach. Sand in your bikini. Whatever. Rolling stone - like the one with the moss, not the one with the magazine.

I think my lil brother had a birthday and didn't tell me about it. oops. happy belated brotha.

dude, it even says your name and everything. granted it is like ten pixels by ten and crappy looking with aweful colors that do not define you as a person, i think it is still excellent though and you should forgive me for forgetting. Ok, end second person rambling.

"Trees are excellent because that's the way god made them." -theme of the talk in church today. Also there was a very basic discussion about biology that could have been so much more in depth and poetic and moving but wasn't and i almost fell asleep and the speaker mispronounced chloroplast like he'd never heard of it before.

ok, that is not my favorite representation of chlorophyll ever but i gave up. close enough.

"Sir, I will not hesitate to beat your ass with your own shoe!" -Reno 911

Any movie with jeanine garofalo and david hyde pierce as love interests automatically is OK with me. But if then two very attractive camp counsellor boys make out, holy crap, then it is one of the the best movies ever.

Does anyone remember Viva Variety? I think I will marry Michael Ian Black. His work on "I love the ___s" alone warrents my evahlasting love. Did you know he was the voice of the pets.com sock puppet? Also there are no good pictures of him on the internet ever.

The only reason I know it is summer is because Comedy Central has started playing their "Big Summer Movies" or whatever they are calling it now. Remember SPF2000? That was my favorite. I think I spent the entire summer on my parents huge bed watching bad comedy central movies over and over again. I was so fucking awesome. I think I was 17.

Tom Green. YEah, word. that is my nickname for myself on the tennis courts because I never wear shorts with pockets. Ok, I am one step away from the punchline of this story - which is just lame enough that if I wrote it here it would bomb, but if you come up with it for yourself it might be worth it because you will be a genius.

"What the fuck is the internet?" -Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

I'm a one channel kind of girl. Also, I am tired.

Ok. Sigh. Bon Nuit, mes petits.

"Cwose enough!!" -beer commercial

"I felt a widower and an orphan and fantasied about writing the saga of an atom of carbon, to make the people understand the solemn poetry, known only to chemists, of chlorophyll photosynthesis." -Primo Levi, The Periodic Table of Elements.

(ok, if you know me, you know i totally overuse that quote but I don't think i've used it here yet so it totally still counts, but if i did use it then ten points for you for remembering.)

moot point

2004-07-10T23:33:00.000-04:00

"Today is a bad day for my weight." -Jenny, my sister

Rotten generalizations. somethin. today has been a bad day for my personality lets put it that way. lots of dead end conversations with aim people and I almost said rotten generalities. which probably isn't a word.

why does cheese seem to be my stress food? Sittin with a chunk of american cheddar or something. this is just wrong. anyway this boy reminds me of a boy I used to date and I don't know if i can take that. but another couch is another couch. we'll talk about it some other time probably.

"Taking steroids is like pretending to be retarded so you can win the special olympics."

I like analogies more than metaphores.

this woman is my idol. maybe. i don't know it's been a while since i've seen this movie but i remember liking her. "I was adopted." right. I like sitting in my window and pretending to cry. I also like lying to people. I'm pretty bad at both so maybe I should stop doing them. Dorm rooms are so hot, I'm glad I no longer live in them. I remembered dorm room etiquette enough today to bring my own mug and coffee mix but not enough to bring my own spoon. plus it was hot so it didn't matter. moot point.

"There is no spoon."

trugambit19: I actually took a shower
moviedork1: You actually took a shower? As opposed to pretending to take one?
trugambit19: Yeah, I came home and was just going to put on more deoderant and cologne.
moviedork1: yuck

and my slaps are love

2004-07-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

20th Century Fox
by Amiri Baraka

Dynamite black girl
fucking in the halls
skirt pulled up
climbing cross the walls

Dynamite black girl
in her dreams, in her motions, in her pull down hat,
sticks out her lip
asks me where I'm at

Dynamite black girl
outside the shanky mansions of whiteladies
she wears no gown dragging bonebodies of the starving,
nor is she grooved to be talked to by artistic chalksissyghosts

Dynamite black girl,
walks in the snow
meets me in the city
walks with me
stares at me
touches me
talks and talks
to me
kisses me
makes love,

we said awhile back
Dynamite black girl
swingin' in the halls
the world cant beat you
and my slaps are love

I want to fuck %n

2004-07-09T14:32:00.000-04:00

For some reason I'm recently obsessed with the %n function of aim. You should all IM me and then copy the response. This will probably be worth something someday when I am hella famous.

Also, I want to make shirts that say "%n rocks my world" or some such. These would be really lame right now but in thirty years when we're all middle aged business men with AIM nostalgia they will be worth their weight in gold. Gold, i tell you.

"Naked. I like to watch t.v naked."

"that was a good drum break"

2004-07-08T22:34:00.000-04:00

I don't know what Altovis does but I would take some if someone gave them to me.

It's so fucking cold out. I had to dig out my hoody. It smelled kind of musty.

I hate cats.

There is a chick on the Weather Channel's Evening Edition and her name is Jennifer Lopez. That picture is way too big but I have no idea how to make it smaller. So, um, deal with it.

There was a time when I wanted to make a website dedicated to scar fetishes. But then I realized that I was probably the only one with this fetish and that I didn't know how to make a website. So that dream died quickly.

I like the look-at-it-rain-hard-on-these-unsuspecting-people montage for Storm Warning on the weather channel.

What should I get Andrea for her birthday present? All I can think of is porn, whcih is an excellent present I think but I like to have more than one option.

andera's self-proclaimed "frankenstein" finger looking super sexy. awww. yeah. she totally wins, though I have yet to determin what.

we're on the road to nowhere

2004-07-07T19:52:00.000-04:00

so you know that scene in Real Genius where the kids flips the fuck out? - it is during the montage in the middle of the movie where all the uber-intelligent kids are studying for some superbly difficult shit and they are all sitting around a library desk at night studying independantly and one kid, some extra, stands up and throws down his stuff and just sceams - no words, just sceaming - and he screams at the kid on his right, then at the kid on his left, then he leaves the rooms. and everyone goes back to what they were doing and someone else takes his seat at the desk. yeah that is what the physics test felt like. just i-don't-get-this, i-don't-know-what-to-do-with-this kind of stuff. grrrrr. arrgggg.

i feel like the invisible extras in The Fountainhead who all read whatever the book was on architecture that whatever guy wrote just eloquently enough and with jsut enough detail that they all immediately felt like experts even though they had nevr taken a class or done any research or actually knew what they are talking about. Yeah I bomb my physics test and as I was leaving I realized the book I was reading was about hyperspace. I rock.

[completely random picture of a dog in a dress. thank you.]

Anyway. Jon Stewart apparently has a child now, which is cool, his genes deserved to be reproduced. I am not the mother though, and this makes me infinitely sad. Hopefully they did not name it Apple that would make me even sadder.

oh well, off to microbio.

"murder makes you hungry. lose a turn."

the It Shouldn't Hurt To Love Someone issue

2004-07-07T12:43:00.000-04:00

i am so bored with being conscious right now. i want to take a nap like no other, but i still need to get over my fear of radians, also gravity, and tension, and torque, and whatever the hell omega stands for, oh and friction - though friction and I have a love/hate relationship which is cool.

"When we met, his gentle touch left a mark on my heart. Now, his fists leave marks on my face."

My boss Elissa yelled at me at the library today for wearing a tank top which is apparently inappropriate. Yeah, cause you can see my bra. "Dude, but my bra *goes* with the outfit, hello." Anyway yeah we had a bra talk "back in my day...blahblahblah..." in the middle of the sixhundreds.

"You see, children, genetic engineering is our way of correcting god's horrible, horrible mistakes... like German people." -mr. garrison, south park

wow, lots of mr. garrison quotes. old school south park like what.

"Just because a boy buys you dinner does not mean you have to have sex with him." -sex ed. tenth grade style

My Russian teacher's name was Raskolnikov. How much does that rock.

[ok that is not just some random gratuitous picture or monica keena, she totally played Ros Kolnik in Crime and Punishment in Suburbia. which kindof wasn't completely NOT based on Crime and Punishment by Dostoevski, pretty much if that makes sense.]

Anyway, I suppose that's it.

"[the judge] simply asked me if I was sorry for what I had done [killed a man]. I thought about it for a minute and said that more than sorry I felt kind of annoyed. I got the impression he didn’t understand." -the stranger, camus

No means harder

imagine a two dimensional world....

2004-07-06T23:46:00.000-04:00

it just fucking poured out and i wish i had gone for a walk. no, actually i wish i had jsut gone and laid in the grass. but the later would have probably been less socially acceptable. i love people who run across the parking lot in bathing suits.

my face hurts i am going to cut it off. i love cheep books they are even better than cheep dates.

andrea totally called me on the finger cut today. ok, it is a little owie and i am a wuss, but come on, i'm a wuss. just because andrea's finger owie required surgery doesn't mean my cut isn't a little bit of a minor irritation and at the very least a nusance. ok i probably spelled that poorly. anyway , a-train rocks my world, in general and in specific and usually always.

Riotnrrd7: Kingsley Amis, on using nouns as verbs (i.e., author, target, host):
Riotnrrd7: "Yes, they may be quicker to say, but then cutting off your arm will reduce your weight faster and more irreversibly than any diet or exercise."

I talked to boy at the library, Keith, today for longer than I should have seeing as my physics test was breathing down my neck. anyway he told me a couple times that he is awesome and I totally believe him.

[a diatom]

[about a physics problem]
moviedork1: "assume the earth is round"??
moviedork1: I like that.

everyone is a liar. the trick is to not to see it. or maybe to see it and look past it.

more than three dimensions fucks my mind. I am going to name the child i'll never have Riemann.

"I'm invincible!"
"You're a loony."

I want to go back and delete certain thigns but i'm not going to.

"I'm still embarassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want the people at work to know so I told them I had herpes." -Mr. Garrison, South Park

thank you for existing

ps i'm totally stalking you

if this gets posted twice it's cause my computer has the IQ of forrest gump

2004-07-06T00:30:00.000-04:00

sometimes i go through times when i hand out crushes like nothing, like busness cards, like rose petals, like kisses made of cholocate. I want to make little cards that say Hello, I am in love with you, and give them to every other person I run into because it would probably be the truth.

I had a conversation about how I wish I went to a pot college not an alcohol college but I was drunk so I don't know if I knew what I was talking about.

I want to hand out my collection of Thank you for existing stickers and not get weird looks. I want my appreciation of people to be appreciated. That is probably selfish.

I met a boy who reminds me of a boy I had a crush on sophomore year because he reminded me of brian from placebo and I was going through a major placebo phase right about then and he wore really nice shirts and someone though he was a girl (the boy I had a crush on) did that sentence make any sense?

[awwwww, brian lookin' like a boy. how cute. and I would change my I only date drummers rule for this boy in five seconds flat. really. onetwothrefourfive. yeah. like that]

actually i think the boy who I was dating at the time was the person who thought the boy I had a crush on looked like a girl. I never told him he was beautiful. Either one of them actually. Any of them. I am like a father. I always think it is implied and someday I will die of cancer and all my children will be empty for some reason and it will be my fault because I never hugged them enough or told them it was ok to cry. So if I know you and I haven't told you I love you, I do. No, i'm not drunk right now, except for just a little sleep deprived which sometiems feels the same.

I keep going through these mixed emotions about my finger which is probably. I want it to be ok and get better and not hurt so I can play tennis and not have to worry about it, but then I want it to be the deepest scar in the world and never stop hurting and I want for there to be pain in it always. I was so excited when I did it.

I am such a bad talking heads fan ever. Someone made a reference to it and it took me like two weeks to figure it out, and that was only because I was going through a Do-I-actually-even-like-music? phase, and tried to figure out my favorite talking heads song, and I was like "oh, that's the title of a song and here I was going to ask her what job she got"

I think it is either Nothing But Flowers, Love For Sale, or No Compassion. Probably. Though ask me tomorrow and I will say something differnt.

b: "have you been practicing your grunting?"
me: "yes, but we have really thin floors so I think I am entertaining the boys above me."
b: "you know what you should do? start playing animals noises when you practice."

(that is brandon coming up with best idea of the week. hello cd of animal sounds. myooooo.... baahhhhh..... etc..)

"Christians! Republicans! and Nazis! oh my!"

2004-07-05T15:02:00.000-04:00

owwwwie equation

sit or spin spun out

2004-07-04T19:58:00.000-04:00

liz gave me her verbal diarreah. so if i start rambling it is all her fault. hello boy I don't know let me tell you all about something you are completely uninterested in. well, i suppose verbal diarreah is better than, i don't know, say, syphilis.

my computer is a pop-up whore. it pisses me off. slut.

"I just feel like Patrick and I connect on so many different levels: he's tall, he's attractive, he's got dark hair.... a good personality." -some chick on Road Rules

Finally figured out how to use the diffuser I bought. Liz spied on some people in a beauty salon to figure it out for me. So yeay liz. Oh yeah, also, liz is kinda blonde now, so make fun of her for that when you see her.

I've eatten six bags of popcorn and watched like fifteen movies in the past week. My house feels like a movie theatre to me and i smell like butter. i have a feeling this is what the rest of the week is going to look like too. So if you would like to join me feel free to invite yourself.

"Yeah, but if Pirates of the Carribean breaks down, the pirates don't *eat* the tourists." -Jurassic Park

I was supposta do the sit or spin thing today on the radio but they cancelled it. it is a good thing i think because I would have had to make up opinions about music that i don't really have. It woulda been nice of them to tell me it was cancelled though so i wasn't having little mini heart attacks throughout the day.

Chris Knight: You see Mitch, I used to be you, and lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.

goodmusictaste

2004-07-04T01:36:00.000-04:00

it totally just rained and i missed it. i was taking a shower. that's kinda the same thing right? no, probably not. Oh and this is pretty totally last minute but I need good music taste by tomorrow night sometime, so if someone would like to let me borrow theirs that would be great - or better yet, paypal me some money and I will go buy some somewhere probably off the streets all secret and illegal-like, thanx.

Are you from Yale?

2004-07-03T23:27:00.000-04:00

for some reason I thought he was joking when he said he thought diatoms were beautiful and that sometimes he staired at them all day.... did i spell that right?

BloodiedMasimune: I had money that Bob Hope would die before John Paul
BloodiedMasimune: we called it: "The Hope or Pope Dead Pool"

I need to practice my tennis grunts I have been told I squeel. I am grunting a lot now just around the house for not good reason. The still sound like sex grunts though and our floors are very thin apparently.

I wanted to build a fort in the frontroom today. That was like, the ONE thing I had planned, but I am too fucking lazy and it was really hot this morning so it didn't get done... maybe tomorrow. I watched lots of I Loved the 70s and I kept being like "dude, how come I don't remember this stuff??" oh right.

It kind of just occured to me that I didn't leave the apartment today. I did go through six different outfits though. Everyone of them *fabulous* - ok that sounded gay. No one is around. Everyone's window is dark. I think *one* person is home waaaay across the street and I just want to go over and be like "let's hang out. I have popcorn and Night of the Living Dead and lots and lots of alcohol." That is a good way to make friends right? Yeah proly not.

I will probably take a long bath and read one of liz's romance novels. It is too fucking hot. Man, even the loser boys below us are not home. I *hate* the July picture on my calander. The library is closed tomorrow. I want to read all the math and science books they own. The new boy I am in love with has a girlfriend who he is in love with. I had this excellent idea yesterday but no way to carry it out. I watched the Ashlee Simpson show on MTV. Then I watched a show about people with obesity on MTV. Maybe I will go design a deck. Or a house. I hope everyone has an excellent Fourth of July weekend, you know, if you celebrate that kind of thing. I am watching the parking lot right now like a stalker. Man, July, I'm just not feelin it.

"This country blows."

A physical representation of my likeness...

2004-07-03T21:28:00.000-04:00

this is me lookin bored like I am. Look how bloody white my legs are holy crap. Also, that necklace is probably going to become a crystal fashion wardrobe staple so look for it - well, unless I get all fashion shy like i'm oft inclined to do. Alsoalso, I would *love* to take pictures of other people. really. it is just no one wants their picture taken ever plus, I just don't think I could love anyone else like I love myself. that is my disclaimer. wurd.

a propos

2004-07-02T15:53:00.000-04:00

(andrea keepin it real:)
RiotNrrd7: "In ordinary conversation, some people perhaps feel that less is a more informal word than fewer and talk about less cabbages. This is forgivable if you like the people."
RiotNrrd7: -Kingsley Amis, The King's English, on less vs. fewer

sing a song in braille

2004-07-02T05:54:00.000-04:00

you know that feeling when your heart breaks open in your chest a lil bit and warm blood leaks down around your diaprhagm and oozes over your kidneys and stomach and uterus and drips down you calf muscles and puddles in your feet? Yeah, it's something like that, does that makes sense? It is Amelie melting into a puddle only being extra sticky warm, almost obsurdely so. If I had a child I'd name him Abelard.

It is the wrong side of six a.m. and my stomach is nervous like I am going on a trip or something but I'm not. pretty much the opposite actually. Everyone else is. And when I say everyone I mean liz because she is who I live with and see every single day and tell my stupid stories to that no one else will listen to. yeah, i have dumber ones that are almost complete secrets. I am going to be alone FOR A WEEK. I need to find something to do with myself. Sci fi novel here I come. New and improved crystal needs to be worked on also and tweeked so she can be released into the real world in august; there are still some major bugs. My body can't decide whether it wants to be warm or cold. this is probably what menapause is like. Anyone walking by my window right now can see my black underwear

which is completely ok i suppose because they match my black top and black is a socially acceptable color for underwear like nothin'. I dedicated a song to my sister last night on the fix but she wasn't listening so i guess it didn't really count. the tree fell in the forest and exploded. fucking metaphores. "All this painstaking work started because of a crisis in geometry that mathematicians feared might spread to arithmetic." Now I am having math dreams. Boys in bars are sending me proofs on napkins and spiking my drinks with friendly numbers. Maybe this is why I can't sleep. I am I plus my surroundings.

"Jon, like Gauss, had such high standards he never published some of his very good work. One day he bought a gun and shot himself. He was thirty-one. It was all very sad. His boss, D. Fulkerson, blamed himself for not recognizing the depths of his troubles and doing something. 'Jon's suicide is often on my mind,' Fulkerson said. Later Fulkerson killed himself too."

[note: images used on this page in order of appearance: broken hearts, random physics cheat sheet, and 69]

"How happy is the balmeless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot:
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!"
-Eloïsa to Abelard, Alexander Pope

Billy Holiday's my man

2004-06-30T21:53:00.000-04:00

"I wanna defy
the logic of all sex laws
Let the handcuffs slip off your wrists
I'll let you be my chaperone

at the halfway home,
i'm a full grown man,
but i'm - not afraid to cry"

anyway, i just wanted to say there was something inherently sadistic about volley ball. It is the only sport I can thing of where you put your actual body - actual exposed skin - in the way of a hard object coming fast at you and use your body to change that object's direction. One could argue that in soccer you do too, maybe, but you generally do not play soccer barefoot. hello. "ooh. here is a hard flying object coming at me let me use my wrists to not only stop it but make it go really high and fast in the opposite direction" I am just saying this sounds like a dumb idea from the get go.

moviedork1: so how is work?
CaboWabos: work sucks my butt
moviedork1: in a fun way?
CaboWabos: no way
moviedork1: that's too bad

"Essen mein shize" -man in porn, south park movie

I think the term "septal defect" should be a universally accepted insult. I keep wanting to say "you are such a septal defect" like I would say "you are such a retard/brain tumor/chode" whatever.

BloodiedMasimune: I called him "Da Braw"
BloodiedMasimune: which isn't funny at all
BloodiedMasimune: but he just got mad
BloodiedMasimune: so it was worth it

"She's lifting her dress up,
allllllll the way up.
oh, don't look surprised"

[about how addicting the internet is]
mackenzie317: you know it's gone too far if you can't pull yourself away for bodily functions...

"Good daddies don't let you die." This is an awesome awesome song lyric. I don't really remember what it is from but it rocks. It reminds me of the pro-Ana quote that seems to be their motto: 'Good Anas don't die.' [Ana means someone who is anarexic. Mia is if you are bulemic. Five points if you knew that. Ten points for everyone if I said that before and am just being a condescending ass for repeating it]. Another excellent lyric along the same lines kinda, is from a song I don't even remember anymore, but the lyric was:

"Take it like a man,
just blink if you understand"

gives me goosebumps. [shivers]

yeah like that

moviedork1: liz, go make bunt cakes
Lzzy2125: crystal, i have to study
moviedork1: lol
moviedork1: you? Study?
moviedork1: come now liz let's be serious
moviedork1: your place is in the kitchen
moviedork1: ok. well... i will make bunt cakes if I have to
Lzzy2125: no crystal lets be serious here, you in the kitchen is scary

tell lizzy you love her. no really. it will surprise her and make her happy. pretend like you are stalking her. that would be even greater. come now, it'll be fun.

moviedork1: but we will have a cookout and he will be invited
moviedork1: and will fall madly in love with me
moviedork1: and we will make out on the vollyball court at night
CaboWabos: aww how sweet!
moviedork1: yeah for serious
CaboWabos: i see babies in your future!
moviedork1: lol that bites

[septal defect]

"We like to put on what you love to hear." -boy on radio

some lovers try positions that they can't handle

2004-06-28T23:34:00.000-04:00

I have a thing for tall skinny boys. There is a special place in my heart for them, somewhere I think near the right a.v. valve. (I was going to put up a picture of a medical anatomy heart but I couldn't find a good one, plus we all know what a heart looks like. it looks like this:)

except maybe not that color all the time, sometimes it is pink with sparkles.
anyway yeah tall skinny dorky boys usually. But Milo? from Atlantis? Yuck. you are the worst hero ever from the worst cast ever in the the worst disney movie ever. Congratulations. You do not even deserve the weird glowy chick with curves and ethnic accent and way too much skin color for a place that probably doesn't have any sun and therefore radiation. I am just ranting cause liz made me sit through a good chunk of it today and it is aweful.

"Young Republican means virgin."

Oh yeah, CSI is pretty bad also but it has that guy I think from Empire Records in it who had to sit on the couch. So that is fun. I am glad he is getting work.

"Ok. So you are skinny and pretty and everyone loves you but are you HAPPY!????" -liz to girl on tv who is on raw food diet.
"Liz, she can't hear you." -me

Some Lovers Try Positions
That They Can't Handle

that is a mnemonic for the carpal bones uncase you are ever in a jam and need to know them. [scaphoid, lunate, triquetrium, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate]

I started reading Juliette by de Sade, and I am still kinda meandering my way through Sexual Sensitivity of American Male [which is almost a complete misnomer] also I am rereading Invisible Monsters and it hit me today that maybe there is such a thing as too many bizarre sex books at one time. I am only reading one book that is normal and that is Body Image and I am only reading that cause I think anorexia is sexy. Yes, I think I am trying to fill a void in my life and not a very subtle one. May I direct your attention back to the friction quote of not too long ago.

(obligatory tatu picture)

My favorite bones that you can see when someone is skinny: clavacle, ribs, sternum, patella, triquetrium (my personal favorite), talus, and the anterior superior iliac spines. yum.

"Are you suggesting I need to be filled?" -Bethany, Dogma

relatedly... This is kind of what every other page of Sade sounds like except there's not punchline.

Oh yeah, and another intersting anatomy mnemonic is "Parasymp points. Sympathetic shoots," for the systems of innervation in the penis. remember this, there will be a quiz.

"Duuude, it's not Johnny Neh-mon-ic, it's Johnny Meh-neh-meh-non-ic" -Keanu Reeves SNL

"Eli's coming. Hide your heart girl." -Three Dog Night

a veritable love fest

2004-06-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

it is a veritable love fest I suppose, or probably not quite but kind of as close as I will probably get. Everyone i have talked to has offered their bed, or couch or at the very least floor for me to sleep on. coooooolness. It has been everything from "oh. well. I guess. If you *have* to you can sleep on my couch" to "yeah our floor's pretty comfortable" to "oh, yeah I'm probably going to have an extra appartment around that time." Yes. That's right. An extra APARTMENT. Thigns you shouldn't have more than one of really. Anyway. kiss all.

cousin brandy and sister jen posing all serious like for the camera

Went home for the weekend. And I always seem to want to kill half the drivers out there, including the people who go twenty under or break for rabbits ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD or the group of boys who are jogging IN THE ROAD, coming TOWARDS ME, at NIGHT, on a road that the SPEED LIMIT is FIFTY-FIVE, and they are wearing NONE of those flashy reflecty things. holy crap, you are all assholes I wish you long painful deaths and a fun run in hell. Pssh. Ok that is overboard but i feel better now.

"My teen angst bullshit has a body count." -Heathers

artistic fucking picture

Apparently there is something worse than the 'strong quotes by strong women' day-to-day calander, which - I shit you not - had a quote by sylvia plath - who killed herself, by the way - about how relaxing a bath was. Yeah. Anyway the thing that is worse than that is the dr. phil day-by-day calender which we had in our bathroom for this year and which I put up with until, um, yesterday when I took it from the bathroom upstair which everyone uses daily and put it in the one down stairs which no one ever uses ever and smells wierd.

This is always my theory when it comes to my mom is we do not have to throw the dumb things that she buys away just in case she really does 'need' them. I just put them in other more obscure places. Like I sent a couple ugly ugly old wreath things we had home with my cousin because they looked absolutely out of place in our front room but looked cool hanging above his Korn and Lincoln Park posters. For real.

gary (my sister's boyfriend) looking smooth on accident

Brandon was having something fixed on his car and I was all like 'oh it is the turpentine belt?' and he is like, 'no, because turpentine is a paint thinner.' anyway what I meant to say was "serpentine" maybe that is spelled wrong but that is what I meant, sos you know i'm not completely retarded.

"Ok. You are no longer my favorite person ever." -This is what I yell at bad drivers when they piss me off. It is not as succinct or effective as a cuss but it relieves the tension just the same.

i only date drummers.

"There are very few things a hot bath can not cure, and I don't know any of them." -Sylvia Plath

I think he said his name was marvin

2004-06-26T22:39:00.000-04:00

Nuclear war is bad.

-Did you just sign me off???
-Uh... Yeah.
-Did I say you could do that???
-Um... did I ask?

Sailor moon is kiddy porn. It has to be edited before it can be sold in the US.

Awhile ago I was wearing my dork glasses and my mom who hates the dork glasses is like "crystal, those glasses make your nose look really big" which is just the kind of supportive thing my mom likes to say to me. Anyway I am like, "um, no, mom, my *nose* makes my nose look big I have a big nose." Anyway she looks me over and is like "did you want to change that???" and i am like "Yeah" and she is like "ok. We will look into it."
and I am like "What? Quoi? Que? WTF?" and she is like "we can look into it. whatever."

Anyway this was a WHILE ago so it was dropped. anyway, today she is all like "did you still want to do that nose job thing? I have been watching a lot about it on TLC" and I am all like in my head 'oh, shit.' because those are usually hella graphic or at least by my mom's standards. Anyway I am like "oh, well, yeah." and she was like "Hmmm. When do your summer classes get out?" and my jaw hit the floor. Um. ok. The end.

The best thing ever was Cartman's hand puppet of Jennifer Lopez "going down on" Ben Affleck. Awesomeness.

"Super-weeeeeeak" -Cartman

My tummy hirts. My hair is all straight and dumb. Liz yelled at me the other day for accidentally not cooking the lasagna. I might let my sister cut my hair this time unstead of me doing it myself. ok that is all.

I like that graphic. All pink with biohazard graphics in the circles like hearts over 'I's

"First of all, to understand what happened to Killer, you gotta understand who Killer the dog WAS. Now Killer was born to a three-legged bitch mother. And he was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that, he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz. He's a small-time gunrunner and, uh, rottweiler fight promoter. So he puts Killer into training, next thing you know Killer's GOOD! He is DAMN good! But then, he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother Nibbles. And Killer said, "No, man, that's my brother, I can't fight Nibbles!" And he made him fight anyway. And then Killer, Killed Nibbles. And Killer said, "That's it!" And he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he ffffffff-FREAKED OUT. And then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart... no longer beat. Wow."

I'm maxed out like a credit card.

2004-06-25T23:20:00.000-04:00

"I got my research paper back today and the first thing it said on the top was 'this paper was poorly written'" -liz

You can't observe something without changing it. Heisenberg's uncertainty principal. You can never know both the velocity and the position of a partical.

"Her low rank cost the life of her child." -TLC special on monkies, dude, seriously, almost made me cry. damn you endearing, incredibly anthropomorphic monkies with an inequitable feudal social system. bah! [shakes fist]

[after brandon ran upto the fence chasing down a tennis ball then just kind of leaned against one of the rails]
me: making out with the fence there brandon?
b: yeah, he wanted me.
me: riiiight
b: he was all hard.

So it turns out that my good friend brandon is going to just happen to have two dorm rooms to his name very much around the time when i will have none. How incredibly coincidental is that? I almost think he is just making it up as just some kind of crystal is dumb and naive joke. Anyway, if not then that is two out of three weeks where I don't have to worry about finding people who will let me crash on their couches. woohoo! though i kind of think that that would have been fun. maybe i will do it anyway.

"Wow, what are the chances? We both just happen to show up at the same place at the same time, we both just happen to be incredibly sexy, and uh... you smell good and I have a nose. That's fate, baby." random blog

Are viruses life?

"Once I wrote a paper when I was really hung over the morning it was due. I spent like two hours on it and didn't read it over at all. I got a good grade on it, but when I got it back there were all these red correction marks on it and on the last page the teacher asked if I was a foreign exchange ESL student." -some chick in the hall

Oh, also Liz BITCHED out her parents today on the phone both of them. It was awesome. I love emotional outbursts, especially misdirected rage. She was all "what is the use of having a CELL PHONE if you NEVER TURN IT ON!??" and completely fucking came down on them for it. "What if I was DEAD, huh?? What if I was DEAD and BLEEDING on the side of the road!? Where would you be? Yeah, you'd be out somewhere without your cell phone and not even know that I was dying!!" Yeah, the initial reason she called them was to get a recipe for lasagna. It was hi-fucking-larious.

"Human's don't have tails, they have big big bottoms that they wear with bad shorts." -Batty, Ferngully

becoming mesomorphic

"She goes above and beyond her call of duty.
She is a slut but X thinks it's sexy.
Sex reminds her of eating spaghetti.
I am wasted but I'm ready."

The owner of this card is not nessisariy a kazakhstan-ian, and they probably have never been there. In fact they probably couldn't even point it out on a map. Hell, they probably didn't even know there was a place called kazakhstan until they got this card, But owning this card is obviously good for their ego, so we thought 'what the hell'.

but not a real green dress, that's cruel

2004-06-24T17:56:00.000-04:00

I wanted to write a note that said "I'm sorry I missed you yesterday, I came in early." Like, ooops we didn't bump into each other. but it kept looking like "I'm sorry. I missed you yesterday." Like, my heart yearns for you or something. Which is just no good for the given situation but I sent it anyway.

"Go ahead. Throw me in the water. See if I can swim."
"Oh I don't think you get it. See, we're gonna push you off a cliff and see if you can fly."

the internet is addicting like crack.

I keep thinking books with the call letters Jan come at the beginning because I keep associating Jan with January and beginningness. Does anyone else have this problem??

"We were so beautiful. Me with a face. Him not so full of conjugated estrogens." -Invisible Monsters, Chuck P.

I am going to be homeless for like two weeks this summer. I need to find some place to stay probably or maybe take two weeks off work but that would suck. why's it that all the people i know in lansing who do not live with me right now are boys and a good percent of them boys who still live in the dorm???

abandoned student. sheeks shelter.

"This job will ruin you to the radio."
"I am not ruined I am just broked a little."

Microbio... no, really... no, really really.

"I think i'm drowning
asphyxiatin.
I want to break the spell that you've created.
You're something beautiful,
a contradiction.
I wanna play the game, I want the friction."

bitches

2004-06-24T12:10:00.000-04:00

my (little) brother laughed at me because he knew how to do some of my physics capa that i didn't know how to do. i'm sorry it's been a long time since radians, and mr. schuetz, and being either pregnant or you're not.

i got the who pseudo dj thing tonight. maybe i'll tape something. um, yeah, and maybe i'll have a heart attack.

i'm in the midst of making a quizilla quiz thing but my computer keeps quitting before i save and making me cry my own tears.

shit microbio test tomorrow and am i prepared for it? no.

"He longed for that day when someone would tell him what happiness is, and then would chain him to it." -We, Zamiatin

I think I am going to write a scifi novel. yeah. in my free time.

home this weekend. if anyone else is in the dub-yuh and would like to hang out call me.

why does every boy i google have a michigan hardcore account? I did not even know that there *was* a michigan hardcore until i started having crushes.

"Don't! Don't!" I cried. But it was lik protecting yourself with your hands and crying to a bullet: you may still be hearing our own "don't" but meanwhile the bullet has burned you through, and writhing with pain you are prostrated to the ground.

2004-06-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

sometimes you just need to eat half a bag of cheese and drink an extra large cup of some kind of swiss white chocolate cappuccino mix to combat stressing about about microbiology and getting you ass handed to you by physics and centripical force. ok, holy run on sentence, batman. the end.

oh yeah and this all happened yesterday

2004-06-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

computer vs. crystal.
crystal wins!!!
well, at least temporarily. hmm maybe my computer is luring me into a false sense of security, he is sneaky like that sometimes.

mr man on the radio you can not say "so, get a pen and/or paper to write this down." I don't think 'or' is an appropriate conjunction in that sentence.
person: "wait, I got some paper. *now* what am I supposta do with it???"

[me and my sister's boyfriend rambling at each other]

CaboWabos: yo are a smart cookie
moviedork1: yeah, but really how smart can a cookie be?
moviedork1: it does not even have a brain that i know of
CaboWabos: well depends how much it cost
moviedork1: lol
CaboWabos: like a kroger one is cheaper
CaboWabos: but..
CaboWabos: they still have the same great taste
moviedork1: wait so does that mean higher IQ or lower IQ?
CaboWabos: it means good cookie!
...
CaboWabos: well monster isnt [a whore]
moviedork1: who?
moviedork1: who is monster?
CaboWabos: jenny
moviedork1: lol
CaboWabos: i call her monster because she is a monster!
CaboWabos: trust me
moviedork1: dude, i am not asking
CaboWabos: and im not telling!

notitle

2004-06-22T21:03:00.000-04:00

[people in brightly colored shirts are swarming around Holmes hall]
me: Ahhhh. AOP.
dave: No. Worse. Cheerleaders.
me: Eeewww
dave: and 4H people
me: yuck, so there's, like, two different groups in Holmes now?
dave: No. Actually, I think they're all in the same group.
me: seriously?
dave: yeah.
me: wait - dave, that makes NO sense.

we accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potatoe

2004-06-22T19:09:00.000-04:00

my computer fuck n' hates me i swear to fuck n' god.

"the absence of my fist in your monitor is a testiment to my anger management and does not mean that i am cool with this."

my computer making me mad meant i had to entertain myself in other ways for the last couple hours while i let it think about what it's done. for one, I watched Zoolander, which is not really noteworthy in and of itself but it does mean I may have some kind of reduced ability to put words together into a sentence all proper like. also I have the urge to just inappropriately throw out the phrase 'really, really re-diculously good looking' fir no good reason.

anyway on a good note. I would like to say hello Keith, hello reason to come to work everyday.

ok, more bad notes are that he will probably quit because really they don't pay us and he's cool and too adorable for this job but maybe he will work with me just long enough for me to convince him to fall in love with me.

Also, a man yelled at me for having a squeeky cart today.

"wait - but there *are* horses in gymnastics."

Also there are lots of bitter women who come to the library and yell at their children a lot and almost make them cry and I mean, I understand disiplin but come on I do not think the plants and gardening section is the most entertaining place for a three year old boy to hang around in for thirty minutes while you wander around not understanding the dewey decimal system.

Liz was introduced to the south park movie yesterday I think she can die happy now, well, at least she's a more informed and well-rounded person now anyway.

"S-U-C-K-M-Y-B-A-L-L-S. Forensics." -kid at spelling bee, South Park movie

Someone told me that they thought I was a lot younger than I am today. Like, a *lot* younger, I think she thought I was in high school still. I have not decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet. It actually, I think, only fuels my paranoia that some secret shooter is videotaping me for my eventual role as frustrated bad dresser on some future episode of TLC's What Not To Wear. Yeah, sometimes I think I dress that badly.

A black couple (probably 30 years old) come into the library every couple days and take pictures of each other with their digital camera.
"Look. This one's good."
"No, but look at my eyes. It's like 'what am I looking at???'"
"Oh. Yeah, you're right."
I don't get it. If they were sex pictures I could understand but they just sit across the table from each other and take pictures of each other in our, ahem, less than picturesque bibliotecka.

I think I need to retard proof my computer so i am not able to fuck it up anymore.

"As if disease were anything to Aunt Mary who had all of her habits to die of."

"Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?" -Saddam Hussein

quote by john ciardi

2004-06-21T01:13:00.000-04:00

"The shadow under the shadow is never caught:
The camera photographs the cameraman."

my i'm in love with king arthur phase

2004-06-20T12:23:00.000-04:00

what follows is the worst story telling ever, but i threw in some pictures to make it not so bad.

i, well, i had every intention of writing something but then black brandon called liz at six and was like you should come over and hang out i got some 40s and liz told me and i am like 'booty call? geez it is only six.' and she was all like 'it is not a booty call crystal, he has a girlfriend.' but this is like, all quick like 'you are comeing withme though.' and i am like 'oooh.kay.'

liz. this picture become more relevant later i think.

wait - start over. yesterday i woke up at ten and liz woke up at one and that is only cause i bugged her too much cause i was cooking and needed advice. and apparently baking soda and baking powder are two different things not interchangeable. they should warn you about that. or change one of their names so i don't ruin my banana bread that i am making. saint jude, patron saint of lost causes and all because of semantics.

"stop me comin round
stop me makin movies of myself."

oh so she woke up and moved from her bed to the couch and i left and played tennis - and let me tell you it was agood idea that i wore my cute grey buttshorts and not my obnoxiously yellow spongebob boys boxers cause some highschool boys tennis team was playing and they were all lookin cute but then they kicked us off our court so they are bastards anyway, so I then watched snatch and went to buy a book and i came back and liz had not left the couch well only once to get slippers and to pee but that is it. hello summer hello laziness. but then brandon called and she snapped into action.

random picture of me because i've fallen into a 'i love taking picture of myself' stage oh yeah, those boobs arn't mine, they came with the shirt.

anyway what happened? we went and saw brandon. he was drunk bby the time we got there. and whatever, we didn't know what we were gonna do so liz decided to go shopping at the mall cause victoria secret was having a sale. so we did that her and i buying underwear with money we don't really have and brandon in that drunk smily stage trying not to feel/look awkward. he was pretty cool about it except he had some cracker jack crumbs in his days worth of stubble and he kept trying to come up with excuses for having really red eyes. "officer, this red headed chick punched me in the face i don't know why. that is why my eyes are so bloodshot. oh yeah and now i am hanging out with her for some reason. whatever."

anyway then we went to meijers and bought another 40 for brandon and some, um, blue moon for liz and i, and also some bread and bagels cause we needed them. then we went and got taco bell and ate tacobell and drank our alcohol in the parking lot of the movie theatre and then went and saw shrek 2. there is nothing more trailor trash than having a three generation family of people see you eat a taco and chug a beer in a parking lot. liz pretended like she was a secret alcholic. i pretended like i was bulemic ok maybe it was better if you were there.

brandon one lookin sleeeepy

brandon was all excited about watching a cartoon drunk for some reason but he passed out pretty promptly as soon as he sat down and i had seen the movie before and for some reason shrek was better than shrek two but i don't know why.

well brandon number one passing out meant we needed to take him home after the moive and exchange him in for a newer fresher model, brandon number two.

brandon two trying out his new look. spiffy

brandon two lives in the dorms though and they are dead over the summer and we just watched orgazmo and i ate his poptarts and stole some of his movies and liz and i got home before two. the end.

Moviedork1 away message: I was all like woww2 liz it is a booty call at six in the p,m and she was not amused. ok This is the worst awy messagekl everl.

distant scenery

2004-06-18T19:53:00.000-04:00

i ate six candy necklaces in a period of twenty four hours. i feel very post-poser punk or something. also, for dinner yesterday i made rice and wrapped it in seaweed and dipped it in a little soy sauce like ghetto sushi rolls, i think this is the asian equivalent of pasta and ketsup. but only probably because i have no concept of other cultures. almost wrote 'oriental' like what?

I think the girls standing across the parking lot wearing short stark-white skirts and pastel tanktops like easteregg m&m colors I think 'distant scenery' is the most appropriate term for them, or at least the most approrpiate camera setting. cleeek. damn you camera with not enough zoom.

there were more but they came out *really* blurry. like even more so then this one

all the librarians liked my 'fun' in phonetics shirt. i have no idea what any of their names are.

liz: It's ok because I outwit the cops
me: you outwit them?
liz: yes I outsmart them with my breasts.

liz has a story she was pulled over once for speeding at night and the cop came to her window and she wasn't wearing a shirt but, she says, it was only because she had just got back from a mud wrestling party with all her girl friends. that is as good at the story gets, like the cop let her go with a warning. the end. but i mean i think she was sixteen at the time so if you want to insert your own ending be warned that it will be pedophilic and that is just gross (or extra fun??)

i love other people's fetishes.

we are having a cookout tomorrow maybe with volleyball included. invite yourself.

"A swift blow with a butcher's knife made for swift justice indeed.
I used to wake up screaming. Now it hardly seems worth it."
-a molly laich short story

"If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." -Mitch Hedberg

a letter from w.c. williams to a literature magazine

2004-06-18T00:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Miss. Monroe: Provided you will allow me to use small letters at
the beginning of my lines, I submit the following excellent American
poem to you for publication in your paying magazine:

Spirit of '76
by W.C. Williams

Her father
built a bridge
over
the Chicago River
but she
built a bridge
over the moon.

This, as you will at once recognize, is an excellent poem and very
American. I sincerely hope that no prehistoric prosodic rules will bar it
from publication. Yours, W.C. Williams

[ed. note: i love the egoism, the blatent self-promotion. also the use of the word excellent but we will get to that...]

Excellence strikes back

2004-06-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

First of all I probably have to say that I owe my over-use of the word 'excellent' to william carlos williams and a poem/letter he wrote which, for lack of a better word, is excellent and makes me love him every single time I read it, for real. I will probably include it sometime so you can all see what i get off to. actually it is probably in the post above this one so, um, look up, that's all i'm saying.

Second of all, I now realize I overuse the word excellent way too much. search this page. I used excellent fifteen times - eighteen time if you count the times i misspelled it - and that is just in like two weeks of ramblings.

Anyway, so thirdly I decided to try to ween myself off this word, and i've decided to kick it like Kevin Smith who's theory seems to be that if you want to stop using something (or someone or someoneS) the thing to do is make an entire post or um movie or something about them/it as a kind of 'fairwell.'

Here is my list of things that Google(ism) thinks is/are excellent:

excellent is in & out & in & out again
excellent is sorta good for kids
excellent is found here
excellent is your big guide to free porn on the internet
excellent is too accessible
excellent is boring
excellent is superior to
excellent is difficult
excellent is for the pigeons
excellent is better than drugs
excellent is big
excellent is stupid
excellent is wet
excellent is not unconstitutional
excellent is better than god

are you sick of it yet? yeah me too hopefully. Clockworkorangeing myself out of it will probably be detrimental to my aim conversationage though as that word made up probably a good twenty percent of my active vocabulary.

me: yeah.... ok.... excllent... yeah.... lol.... excellent.... I think so, Brain, but what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?

ok here's to me being socially retarted some more. excellent. doh!

(also, for serious, googlisming the word excellent was really really boring, and so the list i have included here was all made up of results for "porn" which i scratched out and wrote excellent overtop of.)

"Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker." -jay